2019. Monday, October 21st.

It's Monday morning. I begin my morning prayers –my checklist of gratefulness before I start my S.O. A. P. study. My health. A roof over my head. That free jerk patty I got at the taste of soul. (I never overlook the little things). I hear an unfamiliar whirring outside my window and am immediately uneasy when I think about my unpaid car note. I rush to my window wondering what good it would do if I was getting repossessed. Absolutely nothing in this scarf and pimple cream in the middle of my forehead. I don’t even think a tow man would bat an eye at me in this state. Fortunately, my car sits serene and unphased by the now distant whirring that was probably a lawn mower on the grass a few houses down. I settle back in bed with my bible and journal but my mind is distracted. Distracted by the little to no responses from my agents, little to no auditions in the last few week…I think about so much of my life today and it feels so…little to no. I scramble the corners of my spirit and heart for the truth since my mind is feeling so doubtful and remember all I have accomplished- dancing for major stars, acting roles on major shows and movies- I mean let’s be real, I have 2 agents when getting one can take years.

It Monday morning and I should feel hopeful.

But I’m an actor in the “little to no” realm. And today, I feel the weight of the uphill battle of what that means.

...Hmmmm…what do you call us? I’m not aspiring. I am an actor. The tens of thousands who you might recognize from our one-liners on your favorite shows. Desperately wanting and needing a series regular role or a lead in a major franchise.

Is it just unemployed actors? I shudder at the phrase. It feels gross and sticks in my throat. Like trying to eat the overcooked, cold and stiff yolk of a boiled egg. Suffocating.

I’m just an actor working to make it. However I can. Trying to keep my integrity, faith, relationships intact, legs closed and bills paid along the way. Which is all increasingly becoming harder and harder might I add.

So I just settle on Working Actor. Today it doesn’t feel genuine. But I will force it until it does. I will hold on to my dreams even when everything in front of me screams “Give it Up Lady”!

Sounds so corny when I say it that way but I guess corny doesn’t make it any less true right? Doesn’t make it any less real or urgent…

And so life sometimes be’s this way. Where all I have is my faith to hold on to.

I rattle my mind into submission and wonder what’s todays date. I scroll down to the correlating proverb. The 21st Proverb on the 21st day.

I don’t typically read from The Message version but for whatever reason that’s what my bible app is set to today. The last verse. Proverbs 21: 31- Do your best, prepare for for the worst, then trust God to bring victory. I close my eyes and savor in the perfect word at the perfect moment for this personal pain.

Perfect. I think I’ll focus on this today.